Last night = mental break down

I think last night I had an emotional break down.  Well actually, I know last night I had an emotional break down.  All of my sadness, reach its limit last night. I don't like the way that felt at all. But I think I needed it.  I woke up this morning still kind of sad but, feeling way better.

Stress reliever

People say crying is one of the best ways to release all those negative emotions.  Well, I guess I really need to cry then.  I remember when I was younger, a lady, I think she was a relative, told me "stop crying, the only time you should cry is in times of happiness".  From then on I tried to stop being such a cry baby about everything.  I haven't cried since my grandfather died in the 7th grade.  I use to love him to death.  At his funeral my aunt terry said "don't waste your tears on him, he is in a better place." I told myself from then on, I will not ever cry again. Well now I'm a junior in college and I've cried once since then.  I don't remember what it feels like though. I think a reason why I do not cry anymore is because, I don't have anybody to cry to.  I can truthfully say there is not one person on earth, that I can trust my weakness moment with.  I no friend no family member.  There is a person who I want to be the one I can trust all of me into.  But I feel like I have lost her.  I had a pop up quiz and failed. Now idk if I will still get a passing grade.  I feel like, she got pushed to the edge, and said fuck it. When I'm at the edge sign 6 feet by creed talking bout it ain't so far down.  Know that once I take that step off I'm dead.  The real question is do I wanna die.  Do I want to continue living the rest of my life, tearless.  Or do I want to go get fixed, and be able to cry once more.  I know my purpose, I just need a reason

I feel

I feel so depressed.  I been depressed for a while.  I feel like I don't have anything to live for.  You can say you got your education, you got track, but I don't wanna live for that.  I wanna live for love.  Right now I feel so separated from everybody.  I feel like, everybody has at least one person who makes them feel good and they can just talk to all day.  I don't have anyone.  My friends all have current attractions. People I would like to meet, or attracted to, already have somebody.  While I'm always, the number two guy.  The backup, the you just at the wrong time guy.  I know my purpose, but right now I need a reason. All I need is a reason.

Love = RDP

I remember in high school, I went out with this girl.  Her name shall stay nameless, but she was the love of my life.  Well at least I thought she was.  We spent a lot time together, we experienced a lot of things together.  Long story short, I asked her one day, why does you love me, and she said "idk I just do". While I'm thinking about it now, I really didn't know why I loved her either.  We broke up after about to years.  I still loved her, idk y I loved her but I did.  I think she still loved me to, idk why she did either but, she did.  I wanted to be with her again. I ain't know why I wanted to be with her.  I just knew that, whenever I tried to spark something with someone else, I would just stop after a while.  Or I convinced myself they just wasn't good enough. Idk why though, they were great girls, great people, had a lot of stuff going for em. But it just didn't feel right.  I wanted her. I wanted the girl, the love of my life, the one from high school.  But I didn't know why I loved her, I'm not afraid to stay that I don't even know what love is.  There was a point in time when I saw her and I just despised the person she was.  I couldn't stand looking at her face.  But that was only temporary cause most of the time, when I saw her, i would get depressed.  I would start to think about all the car rides, all the track meets, all of the walks to through the hallways, all of the shows we use to watch together, how she use to pick the deodrant out of my armpits lol, all of the new food she showed me (especially the mac and cheese she made "velvetto"), all of the nights I use to sneak over and watch tv, sneaking over while she was babysitting, the trips to Walmart, basically I use to think about all the things we did together. I just wantef to get her attention, so that I could say hi, so I could be like I miss you in a way she knew my words was true.  But instead I pretended like she didn't exist.  Which was stupid, a terrible decision.  But I make bad decisions all the time. Idk she probably been through a lot and changed since then, people change, I've changed, but I don't really care.  I just want us to be together again.  I'm in bed alone. I'm sad .... Yeah, sad, not depressed. I want my girlfriend back.  That is what she was, a girl who was my friend.  We had a friendship that I have never had before.  In that is why I loved her. I loved her because she was my best friend, who I trusted more then anybody else.  I loved her because she was the one person who was always there for me. I loved her because I could always be with her without worrying if she really wanted me around. I loved her because, being with her, was natural, I could anything with her being ok with it.  Truthfully, we may not be together to the rest of the world, but in my head, we are just taking a break.  Until we get back together.  I ask myself right now at 1:00 a.m. what is love.  My answer is love is you. Everything I do with and for you, is love.  Love is different for everybody.  Love is what you make of it.  I call love her, and if she read this or not, I hope she always remembers I will love you until the end of time.  I will always be there for you just like I said I would. You will always be my best friend, I haven't found anybody that can replace you, not one person.

Love ?

I dont like the person I am because you don't like the person I am.  I ask myself, what is so wrong with me. Why can't you just love me. I try to forget who I am so I can become what you want. No matter how messed up I get I always remember

Simple As That

I would get rid of it all, if I'm gaining you. Cause if I had you, I would have it all.

Waiting

I am caged up, keeping myself back waiting you for. When you have already opened up the cage and ran away.  You and me are in different places right now.  But the saying is, a lost dog will always find its way home.  So are you apart of my home or am I apart of yours. Maybe we just don't live in the same home.  Maybe one of us got put up for adoption. Looking for a new family, or maybe we don't like that we are apart of this family and waiting for someone to take us away.