I remember in high school, I went out with this girl. Her name shall stay nameless, but she was the love of my life. Well at least I thought she was. We spent a lot time together, we experienced a lot of things together. Long story short, I asked her one day, why does you love me, and she said "idk I just do". While I'm thinking about it now, I really didn't know why I loved her either. We broke up after about to years. I still loved her, idk y I loved her but I did. I think she still loved me to, idk why she did either but, she did. I wanted to be with her again. I ain't know why I wanted to be with her. I just knew that, whenever I tried to spark something with someone else, I would just stop after a while. Or I convinced myself they just wasn't good enough. Idk why though, they were great girls, great people, had a lot of stuff going for em. But it just didn't feel right. I wanted her. I wanted the girl, the love of my life, the one from high school. But I didn't know why I loved her, I'm not afraid to stay that I don't even know what love is. There was a point in time when I saw her and I just despised the person she was. I couldn't stand looking at her face. But that was only temporary cause most of the time, when I saw her, i would get depressed. I would start to think about all the car rides, all the track meets, all of the walks to through the hallways, all of the shows we use to watch together, how she use to pick the deodrant out of my armpits lol, all of the new food she showed me (especially the mac and cheese she made "velvetto"), all of the nights I use to sneak over and watch tv, sneaking over while she was babysitting, the trips to Walmart, basically I use to think about all the things we did together. I just wantef to get her attention, so that I could say hi, so I could be like I miss you in a way she knew my words was true. But instead I pretended like she didn't exist. Which was stupid, a terrible decision. But I make bad decisions all the time. Idk she probably been through a lot and changed since then, people change, I've changed, but I don't really care. I just want us to be together again. I'm in bed alone. I'm sad .... Yeah, sad, not depressed. I want my girlfriend back. That is what she was, a girl who was my friend. We had a friendship that I have never had before. In that is why I loved her. I loved her because she was my best friend, who I trusted more then anybody else. I loved her because she was the one person who was always there for me. I loved her because I could always be with her without worrying if she really wanted me around. I loved her because, being with her, was natural, I could anything with her being ok with it. Truthfully, we may not be together to the rest of the world, but in my head, we are just taking a break. Until we get back together. I ask myself right now at 1:00 a.m. what is love. My answer is love is you. Everything I do with and for you, is love. Love is different for everybody. Love is what you make of it. I call love her, and if she read this or not, I hope she always remembers I will love you until the end of time. I will always be there for you just like I said I would. You will always be my best friend, I haven't found anybody that can replace you, not one person.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Love ?
I dont like the person I am because you don't like the person I am. I ask myself, what is so wrong with me. Why can't you just love me. I try to forget who I am so I can become what you want. No matter how messed up I get I always remember
Simple As That
I would get rid of it all, if I'm gaining you. Cause if I had you, I would have it all.
Waiting
I am caged up, keeping myself back waiting you for. When you have already opened up the cage and ran away. You and me are in different places right now. But the saying is, a lost dog will always find its way home. So are you apart of my home or am I apart of yours. Maybe we just don't live in the same home. Maybe one of us got put up for adoption. Looking for a new family, or maybe we don't like that we are apart of this family and waiting for someone to take us away.
Best friend
That is what you are to me. Well at least what I want you to be to me. I want you to be there for me at all time. I want to tell you all my thoughts. I want you to take my thoughts and tell me what you think later. I want us to be able to be around each other at all times. Like we was family. I want you to feel how much I care for you. Understand that you will be my homie for life. That you are the one person who can always help when I can not satisfy myself. I want you to be able to sense my pain even before I do myself. I want you to be the one who can bring the tears back in my life. But not because of sadness, but because I am so happy I can't contain the emotion of happiness anymore .... Nah fuck that, I don't want to control my emotions anymore. I want you the be the best, person I can share my potential with. I want you to be the person who brings the desire of life back into me, cause right now I don't know what to live for. Can you help make that thing you.
So bad
Why dont you love me. Why cant you come back to me. I'm so sorry, I hurt you in the past. I fucked up, so I'm always fucked up now. Trying to make myself forget about who I was and become someone that you want. I want you in my life so bad. I want you by side. But you are never there, and I become depressed. Lost in my memories of you. Trapped and my present without you. Afraid of a future without us. I want to kill myself cause I do not.know what to live for. I want to live for our relationship. I want to live for our love. I want to live for you and everything that you do. I don't care if you drop out and live on the street as a bum for the rest of your life. I want to be there supporting you. I want us to support each and everything that we do. I want to tell you my dreams and make yours mine to. I want us to become in embodiment of each other. I know I'm losing everything that was me. I don't want it to go. I'm trying as hard as I can. I don't know what else I could do. I just want it to be me and you.
My thoughts
I don't know what I want anymore, I don't know anything. All I know is that I need you in my life. But you don't want me. It kills me so bad. I can't move on. I don't want to find anybody else. I only want you. I need you so bad, I don't care about the stories, I don't care about what you did. I just need you, so bad .... So bad. I'm afraid so afraid and you really are the only person that can support me the only person that can help me live and without, if I truly lose you, I will have failed. I will he dead. I won't be Chris anymore, I only go out to learn what pleasure you get, I drink to understand what goes through your mind as a drinker, I smoke to see what abandoned you and why they would do so. Without you I am weak, you are the only one who can make me strong. I will do anything to have you in my life. Please be mine, please.